4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
