im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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