Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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