Yo dont text me then not text me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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