I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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