Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
