Acid is not a monday night drug
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
