He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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