Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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