Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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