he puts the penis in happiness.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
