You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
