Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
