I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize