Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
