Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
