That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
