last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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