Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My dick has a subreddit
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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