I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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