So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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