I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
