Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
