guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
