So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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