Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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