Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
