There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Found your dick twin last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
