thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
