Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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