went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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