My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
