If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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