did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
