3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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