dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
