I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
