What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
