It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
