I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
