A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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