oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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