Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
