I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
