I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
