You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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