this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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