The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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