Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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