hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
