i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
