If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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