you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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