Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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