if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize