He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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