Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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