just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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