My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
