I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
